He’s your friend with benefits.
He could be a mate who somehow ended up in your bed one night (oops!). He might be in an open relationship. Or maybe he’s a one-time random hook-up who’s turned into a recurring guest star.
Whatever the situation — and for whatever reason — you don’t want to date him, but you’re getting naked together on a regular basis.
Just like any other ongoing situation between two people (otherwise known as a ‘relationship’), there are a few helpful guidelines you can follow to get the most out of your mutually beneficial arrangement. Read on for our guide to maintaining a regular fuckbuddy, for as long as possible.
1. Be clear about what’s going on
First and most importantly, make sure you’re on the same page. If you’ve seen each other more than a couple of times, you should both be clear about your romantic prospects together (or lack thereof). Done? Let’s move on.
2. Make sure you’re both getting what you want
The great thing about a fuckbuddy is that you can really focus on having amazing sex, without the need to be super compatible in any other way. Make the most of it. Start by figuring out what works for you both – everyone has their own preferred balance of ‘friends’ and ‘benefits’.
Do you want someone to cuddle in front of a movie before you tear up the couch together? Or dinner and a blowjob? Do you want a quick, dom top booty call you can rely on at 4am? Or would you prefer someone who wants to just kneel on the bed and leave the front door unlocked at 7pm every Thursday, all for you (don’t be late, take your shoes off and no talking please)?
Whatever it is, tell him, and get him to do the same. That way, if you’re not a good match, you’ll know from the get-go.
“Do you want someone to cuddle in front of a movie before you tear up the couch together? Or dinner and a blowjob?”
3. Set some basic guidelines
This is less about rules and more about setting expectations. You should both be absolutely clear and comfortable with where you stand on a bunch of topics, including but not limited to:
- Using HIV prevention strategies such as PrEP or an undetectable viral load
- Using condoms
- Using substances during sex
- HIV and STI testing
- Notifying each other in case of an STI
Also, it can help to have some boundaries for things that are potentially intimate and/or may have a bearing on your lives outside the bedroom – especially if one of you is in an open relationship. This may include things like staying overnight (assume nothing), discretion, and whether you want to catch up socially.
4. Respect his time
Is there anything more frustrating than setting an evening aside and putting on your favourite jock for someone who cancels last-minute?
If you’re not able to catch up, tell him so well ahead of time. And if you do have to cancel, generally speaking, you’re in charge of rescheduling.
5. Arm’s length is about as close as you should be
Remember he’s not your boyfriend. When you’re not literally in the same room together, it’s not really any of your business what he’s doing or with whom, and vice versa. If either of you starts getting pushy, nosy, clingy or needy, the train to Pound Town may never leave the station again.
6. Tell him straight away if your feelings change
There’s nothing fun about a broken heart. If you think you’re starting to see him as more than casual sex, tell him right now. Even if you’re just not sure, it will let him know how you’re feeling so you can both reassess.
This also applies if your feelings change in the other direction. If you find after a while that you’re just not that into him, tell him it’s time to go your separate ways or focus more on the ‘friends’ than the ‘benefits’. Under no circumstances is this a reason to ghost, or keep flaking on him (see Point 4).
“If either of you starts getting pushy, nosy, clingy or needy, the train to Pound Town may never leave the station again.”
You may not be involved in his life, but you are getting inside his jocks on a regular basis. Keep him in the loop about the important stuff.
Let him know when you’re getting your STI testing done, let him know the results and ask him to do the same. This will help you make sure you’re looking after each other’s health, especially if you’re both seeing other people as well.
8. Be aware that it’s got an expiry date
One day it’s going to be time to call it quits. Even with the best intentions, sometimes complications happen. One of you might start dating someone else. You might get bored or your priorities may change. Whatever the case, be thankful for all the moments (and body fluids) you’ve shared. And as Ariana Grande once said: thank u, next.