Emen8 guest writer, a trans man and parent from South Australia, shares the beautiful story of his later-in-life transition. He takes us through his process of self-discovery, its challenges and the support of friends and family.
As I approach 50, I am inclined to share my transition and its overall positive impact on my life. My transition began shortly after my 40th birthday, almost a decade ago. Looking back, this achievement is remarkable, and I am immensely grateful for the decision. So, strap in and let me take you on my journey of a lifetime!
From a young age, I realised my brain didn’t match my body. When I told my mother, ‘I want to be a boy,’ she dismissed me. So, instead, I tried to be the girl she adopted.
Although I ‘learnt’ to be a girl, my masculine identity persisted. I was labelled a ‘Tom Boy’ and ‘Butch’. I entered a relationship with an older man for safety, which allowed me to blend in. It worked for a while. I could fool myself into believing I would be content.
After several failed relationships with cis men, I unexpectedly started dating a gay coworker. His family was shocked, and my friends were a mix of worried and congratulatory.
“Despite their reactions, he fell in love with me, and I, him. Perhaps he saw the real me. We have been together for over 20 years and had three children during that time.”
I appreciate those years and am thankful I learned about medical transitions later in life.
In 2020, I was admitted to an inpatient unit for mental health challenges. A nurse asked if I had questioned my gender. After some research, I discovered I was experiencing gender dysphoria. I began to explore the possibility of acknowledging this aspect of myself.
I took time to reflect on my aspirations and their potential implications. The idea of living as a man seemed simple yet unattainable. I questioned whether one could be considered a man without possessing ‘male’ physical characteristics (you absolutely can!). Was I seeking to defy societal norms, or was the concept of being a ‘real man’ merely an ingrained construct? (it is) And why now did the opinions of others concern me when they hadn’t in the past?
At the time, I relished being feminine, wearing makeup, and dressing up, but I also enjoyed expressing my masculinity. I recall the numerous outfit changes throughout the day—starting in women’s attire, such as tight jeans and a low-cut top, and transitioning to men’s clothing later in the day. This routine was mentally exhausting and laden with a sense of shame. Once I decided to identify as gender fluid openly, things began to fall into place.
“My six-year-old daughter told me she did not care if I was a girl or a boy so long as I was happy.”
This support from my child gave me the push I needed to begin my transition. I had already changed my birth name several years earlier. Paying for it was straightforward, but the process was more difficult than anticipated. It took several months for everything to be updated.
Undergoing top surgery involved several steps that required me to step out of my comfort zone. I discovered that my private health insurance covered most of the procedure. During my brief consultation with the surgeon, we discussed the potential outcomes and reviewed photographs of healed results. I was advised to proceed with the double incision method and chose nipple grafts.
On the day of the operation, I took a moment to appreciate my breasts for allowing me to breastfeed my children. Final photographs were taken, and within a few hours, the procedure was complete. At first, my appearance was startling as I looked like an extra out of a horror movie. But seeing my flat chest for the first time was a profound experience. Despite never having a large chest, the change boosted my self-perception and confidence.
Nearly a year passed before I realised something still did not align. A strong urge for further gender affirmation led me to consider hormone replacement therapy. I once again sat my family down and openly discussed the potential developments.
“My partner was immediately supportive, expressing that he had always ‘known’ but that it was a journey I needed to navigate personally. My children were also incredibly understanding and wanted me to be happy.”
With their unwavering support, I consulted an endocrinologist who recommended starting with a small gel application of Testosterone. I remember taking a moment before my first application to thank my body again. We had gone through a lot, and I was grateful for it. Within a month, there were subtle changes, and after further discussions with my endo regarding my goals, we adjusted the dosage.
Initially, I was apprehensive about presenting as a man and thought adopting a slightly masculine appearance would suffice. I was not keen on developing hair like some other transmasc folk desire. However, over time, I realised that embracing all aspects of the transition was necessary for me.
Consequently, as my body and voice changed, it became appropriate to retire the term ‘Mum.’ I had initially assured my children that I would always be their Mum, regardless of my gender affirmation journey. While presenting as a man early in my transition was validating for me, it was challenging for my children. We decided to find a new term for me since “Dad” or “Daddy” was what they called my partner. After a while, we found a term that suited us all — I won’t share it with you, though; some things are just for us.
My transition was smooth, and I quickly embraced my true self.
“For the first time in over 40 years, I was free to be myself without guilt.”
What surprised me was not the transition, but the difficulty others faced adjusting. Instances of misgendering and deadnaming from family and friends happened. Turns out they loved the person I had been pretending to be better than the real me. It has taken patience, understanding, and space for them to adjust. Some words from a friend who went through a name change herself stuck with me:
“One day, you will realise that there are more people in your life who know you as who you are now and not who you were.”
That time is fast approaching now, and it’s very exciting.
Although I’m early in my transition, I have chosen to remain stealth. This means that unless you knew me before I transitioned, I do not share my journey. Everyone I now work with or make friends with has no idea I am trans and just sees and treats me as the man I am.
I admire those who are openly proud of their identities. While I may never take that path, I appreciate the strength I found in sharing my story with you.
Editor’s note: This article has been edited for length and clarity.
We thank this community member for sharing his story. We recognise that gender affirmation is a deeply personal journey, and no two journeys are the same. For more information about social, medical or legal gender affirmation, visit TransHub. Check out some of our other content and community stories for transmasc and non-binary folk: