The fifteen guys we’ve all met on Grindr
If you’ve ever logged on to Grindr, we’re betting you’ve come across/on/with at least one of these guys. Get comfortable and enjoy our handy guide to the gentlemen of Grindr.
Someone just tapped you!
Chances are, fellow Grindr user, that it was one of these guys (maybe not number eight, though). No matter who you are, where you log on or what time it is, you’ll find these men lighting up your grid. Who are they really? Where do they come from? Are you one of them? Maybe we’ll never know.
Read on for our handy user’s guide to the fifteen guys we’ve all met on Grindr.
1. The Goldfish
How are you? Great thanks. How are you? Great thanks. How are you?
Your chat with this Grindr guy will consist of the same openers over and over again, with no follow-up, usually a few weeks apart.
2. The Crush
He’s unzipping you with his eyes and he’s got that little swirl of chest hair. You know his profile by heart and you’ve stalked him across Facebook, Instagram and even LinkedIn. You have never, ever been brave or drunk enough to actually message him.
3. Mr Mixed Messages
Looking for FRIENDS ONLY, here to meet genuine guys. NOT AFTER HOOKUPS
Leads with six nudes and ‘looking?’
4. The Stolen Pics Guy
Someone is using my pics
Is he really the victim of identity theft, or does he just want you to know his pics are hot enough for the black market? There’s only one way to find out.
5. The Gym Buddy
Anyone lift northside? LF gym buddy.
Will probably call you ‘bro’. Expect some unorthodox cardio. Bonus points if you ever actually end up at the gym.
6. The Cruel Joke
You 100% don’t flip?
He’s absolutely perfect: sexy, local, up-to-date with his testing, and available right now… but you’re both total tops.
7. The Mental Blank
Hey man! How have you been?
He knows your name. He knows you have a dog and which suburb you live in. Apparently you’ve chatted before, and you ran into him that one time at the supermarket. You have absolutely no idea who he is.
8. The Do Not Tap Grindr Guy
I DO NOT respond to taps. Tap=INSTANT BLOCK!
The app’s most polarising feature is a deal-breaker for this guy, and he’s not afraid to let you know about it.
9. The Whole Package
Say hello! Fun, friendly, adventurous. 156m away
His pic does in fact look fun, friendly and adventurous. He likes cats, the beach and dumplings. He’s filled out everything on his profile, he’s clear about what he’s looking for and he’s up-front with his HIV status, whether he’s on PrEP and when he last got tested for STIs. Is this real life?
10. The Collector
Any more pics?
Gotta catch ‘em all! This guy really wants your pics. Fun for some swap-n-share, but the conversation will stop when the pics do.
11. The Closing Down Sale
Deleting this app
Get in fast because this Grindr guy absolutely, definitely, a thousand per cent will not be back online when he gets bored in a couple of weeks.
12. The Aspiring Erotic Novelist
So then I’ll take you into the bedroom…
You’ll need a hand free for this one.
13. The Call is Coming from Inside the House
Hi there. You’re up late. I saw you at the train station today.
No pic. Blank profile. Not creepy at all.
14. Captain Acronym
FTM LF LTR/FWB, NPNC – HMU
It’s no coincidence that a gay dude cracked the Enigma code. This guy’s profile will tell you everything you need to know, if you can decrypt it.
15. The Whack-a-Mole
Hello again! What happened to you?
You block this guy at least once a week, but he keeps popping right back up. He’s either got a lot of Grindr accounts or a lot of devices.