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Dating

11 ways to tell when the apps are winning

Do you have tendonitis in your swiping thumb? Does your Mum have to log on to Grindr to wish you a Happy Birthday?

Grindr, Tinder, Hornet, Scruff. With so many ‘geosocial’ apps on the market, there are a bunch of ways to organise home delivery (or pick-up) if you’re bored and hungry.

Balancing the real world with the demands of your online life has become a necessary skill. And occasionally you may wonder if, maybe lately, from a certain point of view, you might be losing the fight.

Here are a few ways to tell when the apps are winning.

1. You don’t remember Netflix without chill.

Grindr was released on March 25, 2009. Coincidentally, that was also the last time you saw the end of a movie.

2. You speak a different language.

At some point your English got reprogrammed. Everyday conversations involving the words ‘fun’, ‘host’, ‘versatile’ and ‘raw’ have become very confusing.

3. You’ve deleted photos of your family so you could keep your good nudes.

Memories are precious, but phone memory is priceless. Who knows when you’ll find that perfect angle again?

4. You’ve spent more time taking photos in your bathroom than you have showering.

But you’re still only happy with three of them.

5. Every guy you see in your neighbourhood looks familiar.

Have we met before? Maybe not, but I see your face every time I turn on my phone.

6. You have the equivalent of a post-grad qualification in cyber-stalking.

You’ve invested more time cross-referencing social media than Mark Zuckerberg. A little facestalking is all part of modern dating.

7. You can ID any man from a picture of his torso.

‘Discreetbtm85’ can hide his face online, but he can’t hide that tribal sleeve at the supermarket.

8. You’ve lost the art of small talk.

It’s a daily struggle to remind yourself that ‘horny’ is not an acceptable response to ‘how are you?’ when it’s your boss asking. Ditto: ‘woof’, ‘just chillin’ and ‘dtf?’

9. You’ve been ‘online dating’ for years, but you’ve never been on a date.

You’re OK to send a guy photos of your junk, but the thought of sitting across a table from him for a drink and some conversation makes you sweat.

10. Your neighbours don’t know who actually lives at your house.

Because your front door sees more late-night trade than 7-Eleven.

11. You average about seven minutes of phone battery life.

Six if you actually have to make a call.

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