Guest writer Tobi Evans (he/they) answers your InQueerie about sex and dating for cis guys hooking up with trans men and nonbinary people: everything from what language to use to how to talk about sexual health.
InQueerie: “My date is a trans man; how do I navigate sex and intimacy?”
Firstly, congratulations! Trans people are hot. I love this for you. And I love your question. You may not have had sex with a trans or gender diverse person before. Knowing how to craft a great time respectfully will make it more fun for the both of you.
I’ll give some general suggestions, but keep in mind that everyone is different and will need different things. I’ll be drawing on my own experience as a feral transmasc and raging bisexual, as well as my gender and sexuality studies background. While most of the advice I’ll be giving is useful for seducing trans people of all genders, this article will skew towards cis guys hooking up with trans men and nonbinary people who were presumed female at birth. If your sexual partner is a trans woman or trans feminine, there’s a great resource called Transfemme that can help you navigate sex and romance.
What to talk about beforehand
As with all great sexcapades, communication is key. In this regard, trans people are no different from cis people. Personally, I always ask new lovers whether they’ve had sex with a trans guy before because it helps me manage my own expectations and the experience. Bless the guy who said, “Well, I’ve watched trans porn!” Reader, they are not the same (although porn may be useful for helping you figure out what you like).
It’s important to know what a good time looks like for yourself and to discuss that with your prospective trans hottie. You’re both there for a good time (or a bad time, with consent). Ideally, both of you know what you like, what you might like with the right mindset/setting, and what you definitely don’t like.
If you’re trying to glean this information from a trans partner, ask questions with gender-neutral language. For example:
- What do you enjoy sexually?
- What are you into, and what are your boundaries?
- What does a good time look like for you?
Avoid questions that assume someone’s anatomy or the language they use to talk about their body. Questions like “Can I [sex act] your [body part]?” may make the other person uncomfortable, especially if you’re using language associated with the gender they were presumed at birth.
“On the other hand, ask what gender-affirming sex looks like for them.”
It’s easy to make assumptions based on the person’s identity (for example, the myth that trans men don’t top), but taking the time to ask can go a long way. Personally, I’m attracted to masculinity, and while I’m vers I get a lot of gender euphoria from topping a big ol’ man. Like many people, I enjoy a range of sexual things — but including an element that’s gender-affirming for your prospective lover can be very nice.
How to approach sexual health with trans men
It’s best to discuss your sexual health strategy ahead of time. Consider what HIV and STI prevention you’ll use (be that PrEP, UVL, dams and/or condoms) and ask what the other person uses.
If you’re a cisgender man and your sexual partner is a trans man or transmasculine, you may need to think about contraception. Some trans people take hormones, and while this can decrease fertility, hormones are not a form of contraception.
If you’re having sex with a trans man for the first time, it’s best not to use the word ‘contraception’. Some trans folk find the topic distressing, which could dampen the vibes. Instead, ask what safe sex looks like for them. Once you know them better and if you plan to have sex with them regularly, then you can talk about longer-term contraception options.
While it’s important to have conversations about safe and respectful sex before you get down and dirty, this doesn’t mean you can plough your prospective partner for personal information.
What not to talk about
Some people are curious. I usually like that, being incredibly nosy myself. But if you’re a cis person hoping to hook up with a trans hottie, here are some invasive questions to avoid:
- How long have you been on [hormone of your choice]?
- When did you start transitioning?
- When did you have [insert surgery of your choice]?
- Do/did you have a [various genitals]?
- What did you look like before you transitioned?
A good rule to follow is:
“Don’t ask a trans person anything you wouldn’t ask a cis person unless they bring it up.”
You probably don’t want to talk about your medical history, battles with government admin, or dubious aesthetic choices from your youth, and your partner doesn’t either.
What to do on the day
As you would with any sexual partner, always seek enthusiastic consent at the start of a sexual encounter.
Communicating well and using the right language during a hookup is important. For example, avoid gendered words like “mate” and “babe,” gendered compliments like “beautiful” or “handsome,” and sexual terms like “hard” or “wet” unless you’ve asked if these are okay. When I’m having sex with a new trans partner, I stick to compliments like “sexy” or “hot” unless I’ve been told that gendered compliments are welcome.
“You can also use phrases like “Can I touch you?” and “Your body feels good” once things have started heating up.”
Keep in mind that your partner’s body, sexual function, and sexuality may have changed as they transition (especially if they’re on hormones). While you may have already talked about what they’re into, stay open-minded and flexible while maintaining your own boundaries.
Aftercare
Assuming you’ve had a romping good time with the trans gem you’re lusting after, aftercare is a great tool from kink culture that I highly recommend. While I’m happy with a high five and being told I’m really hot, other people may enjoy things like cuddling, showering together, and/or a snack or cup of tea. You can discuss what aftercare you’d like before or after the hookup. Also, a nice follow-up message never goes astray. But if you don’t hear back after a couple of messages, they may not be interested in hooking up again.
Reader, I hope this answers your question and that you have a blazing good time with your trans date. Just remember to be yourself and make them feel safe being themselves so y’all can both have a fun and sexy hookup.
If you’re looking for more info on being a good ally to the trans community, check out TransHub. You can also read our other content on sex and dating for trans and non-binary folk:
Editor’s note: This article has been edited for length and clarity.
Dr Tobi Evans (he/they) is a feral bisexual trans man, writer, educator, and pleasure activist. He has a Bachelor of Creative and Professional Writing and a PhD in Gender, Sex, and Sexuality. Tobi has taught and researched at Australia’s leading universities and provides strategic diversity and inclusion advice in local government. He was the host of The T on the T: Trans in Conversation, a guest speaker at Melbourne Queer Film Festival, and co-ran the Trans and Gender Diverse Book Club. Their writing and research have been published in The Victorian Writer, In Flux: Trans and Gender Diverse Reflections and Imaginings, and Fantastika.
