Miley said it best – nothing breaks like a heart, especially a gay one.
Breakups are rough. After all that time dating in a hookup world, you finally found someone you wanted to be with – and now it’s over. It hurts like hell. You might be a sobbing mess or a sudden party fiend, but chances are, you’re not doing so great.
It’s not just you feeling this way. Studies have shown that the end of a relationship can cause real psychological distress, temporarily increasing your stress levels, reducing life satisfaction and experiencing symptoms of depression.
We’ve all been there — some of us a lot. So, in the spirit of solidarity, we’ve pooled our experience to come up with a few tips to help you emerge a little wiser and a whole lot happier.
Let yourself feel the feels
You’ll probably feel a bit rubbish for a while – people dread breakups for a reason.
But it’s important to let yourself grieve the end of your relationship. You don’t need to be your magnificent, empowered, liberated single self just yet. Pushing away feelings of sadness or anger isn’t going to make them disappear. Cry when you need to. Take some time off work. Give yourself a few weeks of Adele before you graduate to Lizzo (our breakup songs playlist can help with the healing). Allowing yourself the time to experience your emotions is the first step to working through them and being able to move on.
Talk about how you’re feeling to friends
Now is the time to lean on your ‘Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with’ friends. Talking about your feelings can help you clear your mind and take some of the sting out of the heartbreak. We’ve all been through breakups, and chances are one of your friends has exactly the right advice to help you feel better about things.
This will probably involve some venting, which is actually healthy — to a point. Good friends will let you vent about your ex and validate your anger. The best friends will also gently let you know when it’s time to focus on something else.
Take some time to reflect
It might not be what you want to hear but relationships and breakups can teach us a lot about ourselves and the way we relate to others. Get yourself a journal or open your Notes app and write out your feelings. Ask yourself some questions and really think about your answers:
- What was the catalyst for the breakup?
- What emotions came up for you?
- What do you need to do for yourself right now?
- What can you learn from this relationship about yourself?
It’s a good idea to reflect on relationship breakdowns because then you have the best chance of not repeating the patterns with someone new.
Keep strong boundaries with your ex
We get it. You’re both lonely and hurting. You miss the closeness and intimacy of your relationship. But if you want our advice, we reckon it’s a good idea to have a period of no contact.
Let them know you’d like some space and won’t respond to non-urgent messages for a while. And that goes for anything physical, too. It might be tempting to have sex with your ex, but it’ll likely make the whole situation messier than it needs to be and stop both of you from moving on.
If you’d like to stay friends, which many people do, giving yourself the physical and emotional distance to draw a line under your time as a couple can help you transition to something platonic later on.
Look out for bad habits
While taking time to grieve is essential, be careful not to slip into bad habits. These include things like drinking too much, eating ice cream by the litre and binge watching Drag Race every night until 4 am. They also include checking your ex’s social media profile on the hour or constantly badmouthing them to your friends. If you find yourself guilty of any of these, it’s time to start breaking those bad habits before they become your new normal.
Look after yourself and get out of the house
Nursing a broken heart can suck all of the life out of your world, but it’s important to take care of yourself. Exercise is proven to be one of the best ways to lift your mood, and it does wonders for your energy levels as well. Find a form of exercise you enjoy and commit to at least half an hour three times a week. You can even do it from the comfort of your own living room!
If you’ve lost friends during the breakup (joint custody isn’t always an option), now might also be a good time to think about joining an LGBTQ+ club or sporting team. It’s a great way to make some social connections focused around a sport or hobby you enjoy – and with people who aren’t associated with your ex.
And if exercise isn’t your thing, there are plenty of other hobbies you could take up. Trivia nights, attending an art class, or heading to the theatre will help you fill your cup and get back into the world.
Be prepared to run into them online
If you’re getting back into online dating, be prepared to run into them online. The best course of action is to close your eyes and hit block! Do not read their profile or otherwise engage – it’s only going to make you feel worse.
If you’re ready to start dating again, make sure you’re looking after your sexual health
Now that your goods are back on the market, it’s time to revisit your sexual health plan.
Your sexual needs as a single man are probably going to be different to what they were in your relationship (even if it was an open relationship). It’s a good idea to talk to your doctor about how you’re managing your STI and HIV risk, whether that’s using condoms, PrEP or maintaining an undetectable viral load (UVL). If you’re having sex with multiple partners, make sure you’re also getting regular STI testing.
If you feel like you’re not coping, talk to a mental health professional
A breakup can be a stressful time. It can impact not only your emotional well-being but also your finances, your friendships, your living situation, and your family.
If you feel like it’s getting on top of you or you just can’t shake it, talk to your doctor about getting a mental health plan. If you’re eligible for Medicare, it covers up to 10 visits per year to a mental health professional. Speaking to a therapist can help you find what you need to get your mental health back on track and move on from a breakup in your own time.
Finally – remember this will pass
It’s probably cold comfort right now, but remember, you won’t feel this way forever.
Unfortunately, there’s no formula for how long it takes to get over a breakup (please ignore everything you’ve seen on Sex and the City!), but it will happen. Remember those studies? They also show that people who go through breakups usually end up in a much better position in terms of their personal development and life satisfaction.
It takes as long as it takes, and things may not be great for a while. But eventually, you’ll stop hurting and start looking forward to a new chapter in your life. When you’re ready, dive back in with more from us on dating and relationships.