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Hair and grooming

Six products to slick up how you look and feel

Because sometimes the voice inside your head says “treat yourself, you’re worth it”. Even if the voice of your bank manager disagrees, feeling good before you step out the door is a sure way to get your day off to a cracking start. Here’s a small selection of grooming products to make it just that little bit easier.

Me: “You know, people often ask me how I manage to maintain my looks.”

Reality: “Your best mate greets you with ‘Oof! Big weekend was it, love?’”

Me: “And I tell them it’s all down to a meticulously managed routine of carefully selected male grooming products.”

Reality: “You got that moisturiser on special and the omnipresent bags that look like used condoms under your eyes are a huge incentive to use it daily. And speaking of daily routines, you took your PrEP today, right?”

Me: “Now I’m not one to brag…”

Reality: “Oh, please!”

Me: “…but maintaining a fashionable hairstyle plays a significant part.”

Reality: “You’re ridiculed by your social peers for growing a top knot that was already out of fashion before you started it.”

Me: “Growing a beard has been an important step in realising my own ideals of youthful masculinity.”

Reality: “You’re pushing 40. Besides, you did it out of sheer laziness and to conceal your genetically cursed pores.”

Me: “I’ve often been told by younger men how much they admire the look.”

Reality: “It grows like a patchy steel-wool pan-scourer at best. And you’ve not bagged a twink since you were one two decades ago.”

Me: “For the man who likes to make a good impression and feel great doing so, here are some great products to slick up your routine.”

Reality: “You tried most of them but are way too tight to fork out for the really posh ones.”

Shampoo

Tea tree oil shampoo, by Kiehl’s

Me: “Botanical and tingly. A perfect kick-starter for first thing in the shower.”

Reality: “You know you won’t resist rubbing it in to your ball sack at least once.”

Conditioner

Nurturing conditioner, by Aēsop

Me: “Luxurious and restorative. This conditioner is suited for dry or stressed hair.”

Reality: “When they don’t put the prices on them in the shop, you know you can’t afford it. But it’s defo worth pinching the miniature bottles of it from fancy hotels.”

Moisturiser

Skin perfecting moisturizing day cream, by Palmer’s

Me: “Moisturising is an integral part of a daily routine, and this one is kind to all skin types with included SPF15.”

Reality: “You’ve got a point. This shit’s actually pretty good. ‘Lightweight formula’ is true if you’re comparing it to a house brick, so expect it to be fairly thick yet swiftly absorbed.”

Beard oil

Morning wood beard oil, by TheGroomedManCo.

Me: “Produced by an Australian beard fanatic for Australian beard fanatics. For the more facially hirsute male, this genius little product smells delightful and helps with softness and sheen.”

Reality: “He, he, he… It’s called morning wood! But seriously, try it.”

Hair styling putty

Perfect putty, by Fatboy

Me: “Excellent matte-finish hold that even works on thick hair. Subtle smell and easy to wash out without residue. They make a Tough Guy Pomade for a shiny finish as well.”

Reality: “At least you can have total control over the destiny of your hair today, even if the rest of it is pure chaos.”

Hand scrub

Shea ultra rich minute hand scrub, by L’Occitane En Provence

Me: “Yes, I exfoliate. What of it?! A girlfriend of mine once bought me this, and it’s a genuine treat to feel a little bit pampered once in a while. When your hands are like Wolverine’s after a fresh regeneration, you’ll get why.”

Reality: “If jerking off with gym calloused hands is your thing, this product probably isn’t for you.”

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