Ever thought about getting a couple of your buddies together at the same time? Or considered sharing a guest star with your boyfriend? Is it always true that the best things come in threes?
It may not be something that happens every day, but there’s no denying that a gay threesome is a compelling fantasy. Whether you’re an accomplished sandwich artist or a keen first-timer, read on for some handy tips on getting the most out of a three-way.
1. Couples come first
Some couples love bringing another guy into the mix. If you’re the third, this can be a lot of fun — you’re essentially a special treat for the evening. Respect their relationship and their boundaries, and you may well be invited back.
If you’re part of the couple, think beyond the sex when you’re choosing your third — is it really a good idea to invite your neighbour, or your partner’s colleague, or your friend’s ex over for playtime? (Spoilers: no, no and hard no). And it’s worth setting some clear boundaries beforehand — make sure you cover things like kissing, using condoms, how you’re managing your HIV risk, and future contact.
2. Manage expectations for the threesome
Even if your threesome is unplanned and unexpected, lay some foundations before you get into the bedroom. It’s not always super sexy, but it’s worth talking about who wants to do what, and with whom.
Discuss tops and bottoms and anything you especially want to try or definitely don’t want to try. This is also the right time to raise any kinks or fetishes, even the ‘light’ ones — they’re more likely to get into your pits or play with your feet if they know you like it.
3. Talk about how you’re managing your STI and HIV risk
There’s going to be a lot of body fluid in the room — make sure you’re clear on how you’re all managing your risk.
It’s a good idea to discuss whether you’re on PrEP (if you’re HIV-negative), undetectable (if you’re HIV-positive), using condoms, or a combination thereof. If you’re using condoms, have lots of them ready, along with plenty of lube, so you can get a new one every time anyone is changing partners.
“There’s going to be a lot of body fluid in the room — make sure you’re clear on how you’re all managing your risk.”
And — importantly — even if you’re not planning to see each other again, make sure you’ve got a way to stay in touch. That way, if any of you do get diagnosed with an STI, you can let each other know so you can all get tested, and treated if necessary.
4. Be prepared for some awkwardness, and be aware of everyone’s boundaries
There are a whole lot of practical, logistical and timing issues which don’t always sort themselves out naturally, and it can get awkward. Who’s in charge? What are we doing first? Where do you want me? Are you putting the condom on now? Me or him? Be prepared for some moments when it just doesn’t flow. This will usually pass once everyone has warmed up a bit, so don’t let it kill the mood.
But it’s important to be aware of everyone’s boundaries, including your own. Check in with each other — this is one scenario where it’s impossible to over-communicate. If you’re not sure if a guy is into what you’re doing, ask him directly, and get an enthusiastic go-ahead before you proceed. Same goes for you. If you’re not enjoying what’s happening, let your partner(s) know and change it up.
5. Opt out of the threesome if you’re not feeling it
Like a lot of fantasies, there are going to be times when a threesome fails to live up to expectations. A great threesome is about everyone having fun. If at any time you’re not enjoying yourself, or your boundaries aren’t being respected, or you’re not comfortable for any reason — it’s time to leave.
6. Be a bit selfish
It’s very likely that one or both of your partners will have absolutely no idea what turns you on. Let them know and ask them to give it to you. A little selfishness gives everyone permission to do the same, so be the star for as long as it’s fun — and then let one of them have a turn.
7. Everyone is going to be left out at some point
It’s inevitable that you’re all going to be the third wheel at some point. It can be fun for two of you to connect on your own for a while, but try not to go too long without leaving an opening (any will do) for all three of you to get back in the action.
“Get enthusiastic, spoken agreement from both of your playmates before you take any pics or film anything.”
8. Be decent, even when you’re being indecent
Along with three dicks, there are also three sets of feelings in the room. So try not to make a big deal out of it if someone has stage fright or just wants to watch for a bit. Same goes if your power-bottom gets a bit too verbal, or if one of you suddenly needs to take an extended bathroom break. Nothing will ruin sex faster than embarrassment, so concentrate on having fun and let everyone do their thing.
9. Ask before you pick up your phone
Get enthusiastic, spoken agreement from both of your playmates before you take any pics or film anything. Not everyone wants to be immortalised on Twitter (or X, or whatever we’re calling it now). And if your buddies do feel like making a little amateur porn with you, video record their spoken consent specifying exactly what they are consenting to. Are they enthusiastically consenting to their face being visible in the recording or not? And are they enthusiastically consenting to the recording being purely for private use or public consumption on the internet?
This is something you never want to make assumptions about — without full and specific recorded consent, you may face legal ramifications if you record something or post online.
10. Debrief on the threesome
Communicating after the action is just as important as communicating beforehand. Make sure you’ve all got a way to stay in touch, and if you’ve got any suggestions or strong feelings (positive or negative) about your group session, share them. Again, even if you’re not planning to catch up again, it’s important to have a way to stay in touch so you can let each other know if you’re diagnosed with an STI.
It can help to establish a few future-contact ground rules to avoid complications. Is it appropriate to contact each other individually or only as a group? What about catching up again? Are you going to hang out socially? Is it OK to invite other guys into the mix? Find something that works for all of you, and stick to it.